Tuesday, August 24, 2010

I have been feeling quite unwell recently, nauseous, tired, a bit more emotional than normal. I mentioned this to some of the ladies at work, and of course they all said “pregnant!” You know, because that’s the only thing that could be wrong with a young married girl! Anyway, the more they talked about it, the more I thought I might be, even though I already had a pretty good idea of why I’ve been feeling so off. Not that I don’t want kids one day, but I really wasn’t too keen on the idea of it happening now, especially as we hadn’t planned for it, don’t own our own house and have travel plans for next year. But just to make sure, I picked up a home pregnancy test on the way home from work last week.

When Dave got home from work I told him about the test, sitting on top of the dresser in our room. I then got down to business.

It turned out to be negative, and I was actually a little disappointed. As it turned out, Dave wouldn’t have minded either if it had been positive.

It has been interesting this past week though for me emotionally, realising that both of us are ready and wouldn’t mind starting a family yet we still have a few things we would like to do before children come along. Dave asked me the other night if I want to change our plans and start trying now. Part of me does.

One of my favourite blogs to read is Ashley Lancaster at The Happily Ever Afters of the Lancasters, long name – good blog! I was reading back over her past posts and realised that she was in a similar position, and it also brought up memories for me that I had forgotten about. Reading about someone my age who all they wanted to do was have their own family, reminded me that when I was younger that had been my dream.

I remember as a teen thinking that I wanted to get married young and then have kids. When most teens were thinking about what they wanted to do for careers, I didn’t really know what kind of job I wanted, but I always knew I wanted to be a mum.

This last week has had me thinking a lot about this pull between starting a family and fulfilling the plans Dave and I have made for next year.

I always like to go headfirst into things, I’m not patient either. I’m also not as good as I would like to be at letting things go and letting God be in control. I like to plan and I love to make lists, lots and lots of lists. Lists for grocery shopping, lists for things we need around the house, lists of books I want to buy and lists of our income and expenses so I can keep a very close eye on our finances.

Probably a little too close an eye. I’m planning for our financial future – can we afford a house, an overseas trip, a baby? I’m a little obsessive.

When I want things, I want them now – I’m a product of my generation – and I am usually tempted to do whatever it takes to make things happen. I’m terrible at relinquishing my hold on my dreams.

And I have a bad habit of forgetting that God’s plans for me are always better than my own. Always.

God knows my desires to have a child. He knows my desires to explore the world. He knows all my desires – even the ones I don’t. He also knows the outcomes of these desires. My problem is that I don’t! I want to know, I don’t like surprises or secrets. I like to know things.

Ahh Lord, give me patience!!

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